I have been wrestling for some time with this topic. I’ve been told that when we, as believers take it upon ourselves to obey some commandment in the Scriptures that it needs to be done out of a sense of conviction from the L-rd. Now this makes sense to me to a certain degree. If I follow a mitzvah without really being led by Hashem to do so, then it can, and often does produce death spiritually.
The place that I struggle is this: my knowledge of a Jewish approach to the Torah is that we obey the mitzvot because in so doing, we are reflecting the very nature of G-d. If that is the case, then shouldn’t I be following the commandments regardless, as an act of faith(fullness), trusting that Hashem will bring life to me as a result of my faithfullness?
On the other hand, is there anything that I can do in my fallen state that will produce life. Based on my training, I would have to say “no” because I am a sinner. However, I am also a new creation, created in Messiah Yeshua to do good works. That being the case, then if I’m obeying the mitzvot, even if my motives are wrong, then won’t Hashem eventually begin to change my heart?
I really don’t have any answers here. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I want to experience the grace of G-d in all that I do. However, I’m not even sure what grace looks like. There are so many definitions floating around out there, and none of them seem to adequately convey what I’m seeking after.
I suppose that in a sense, this whole conflict boils down to an understanding of what grace is. If the commandments of Hashem are a revelation of his very character and nature (and I believe that they are), then by obeying them, shouldn’t I (or anyone else for that matter) be encountering G-d in His grace? What is it then that prevents me from doing so?
I’m finding that the answer to this question is the condition of my heart. I am discovering that I think that Torah is manageable, and because of that, I cease to see Yeshua in it. The Torah is the schoolmaster that leads us to Yeshua, not only in the sense that it reveals who He is, but it also reveals my need for Him. If I am unwilling to realize that I can’t obey G-d apart from His Spirit working in me, then Torah becomes something that I can do on my own. If it is that, then I’m no longer willing or able to see Messiah in it.
So then, there is still no conclusion to my conflict. I believe that I should be convicted in my heart to obey a particular commandment, yet on the other hand, I believe that to obey is to encounter and reflect the character and nature of G-d. So what is there to do at this point? I really don’t know…
