There has been something rolling around in my head for quite some time, and up until just recently, I have been unable to identify it. I’ve been longing for something deeper in my walk with the Creator, and have looked and looked for what holds the key. I’ve done a lot of reading, praying and studying trying to find that which has been alluding me. I think that I’ve finally found something that is going to lead me in the right direction. (I’m not sure yet, but let me see if I can flesh it out.)
I believe that G-d calls us to a life of radical balance. I thought that term meant something utterly and completely different than what I’ve come to discover. You see, I thought that radical balance meant, for instance, that I work, work, work to maintain my relationship with G-d, and that He is somehow detached from all of it, just waiting for me to reach a certain level in my spirituality. Once that level was reached, I believed, He would reveal Himself to me, because I had proven myself worthy.
How has this played out in my life? The most noticeable way has been in the way that I live and conduct myself. I have felt rather strongly that G-d has been leading me toward a life of Torah observance much akin to the orthodox lifestyle. (I still believe that to some degree, but that’s not the point of this post.) Due to this fact, I have used my convictions and understandings as a way to judge others. I have pushed many people away, and I’m sure missed out on some really good friendships, all in the name of righteousness.
While living this way, I’ve known all along that there must be more to a relationship with G-d. I’ve searched and searched. I’ve read Jewish sources, Messianic Jewish sources, traditional Christian sources, the Bible, and more. I’ve been praying and seeking for the heart of the Father concerning me, and it seems, on the one hand to have gotten me nowhere fast, but on the other hand to have brought me to a place that I’m ready to listen.
G-d has been calling out to me, relentlessly pursuing after me, and I have been running from Him, all the while deceived into thinking that I’m running to Him. My running has looked very good on the outside. I wear tzitzit and a kippah, and often pray from a siddur. I say Yeshua and Hashem and use Hebrew terminology when speaking about the things of our Father, believing that I’m drawing close.
What is the sudden change? I’m not entirely sure, except I’ve come to realize how much I have pushed our beloved Messiah to the side while trying to get things right in my life. I have buried myself in studies just so that I can understand context of Scripture. (Please don’t get me wrong, all of these things are VITALLY important, but apart from a dynamic relationship with the One who gave His all for us, they merely puff us up, and can push us away from the Father.)
I began to really reach out to the person of Yeshua, longing to experience His presence in my life. This has been ongoing now for months, and I’m starting to feel like a breakthrough is in sight.
As I reached for Yeshua, I really began to see how much He’s been reaching out to me all along. Where i have tried to earn my way in to the presence of the Almighty, He waited for me to see that He’s already provided that way. While I was wrestling, He was beckoning me with open arms of love and acceptance. I realized that the lenses through which I’ve been viewing life are very foggy indeed.
In Judaism, there seems to be very little time to stop and really deal with one’s sin. The approach to life is one that states, “If I sin, I will just try harder next time. I will do another mitzvah to cancel out the sin.” While on the one hand this is good in that it doesn’t allow for unhealthy guilt, on the other hand it is terribly dangerous. It puts the power of personal transformation in the hands of a mere human.
I cannot do this! No longer can I rely on myself to save myself. I am quickly coming to the place where I am ready to be undone at the feet of my Master. He is the Savior. He is the Deliverer. There is nothing in and of myself that is good, and therefore, I must accept His grace.
This doesn’t mean that I am going to be lazy. To the contrary, to accept grace requires that I pursue the Father all the more.
“The grace of God is unearned and unearnable, but if we ever expect to grow in grace, we must pay the price of a consciously chosen course of action which involves both individual and group life.” (Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster)
During this season of Passover, my slavery to sin is becoming ever more evident.
And there is no slavery that can compare to the slavery of ingrained habits of sin. (ibid.)
Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Yeshua Messiah our Lord! (Romans 7:24-25a NASB)
G-d in His grace has provided the way into His presence. It is only through Yeshua. I am determined to know Him, and Him alone. I am determined to face myself, and see who I am apart from Him, and who I am in Him. He is changing me, and will change me. It is only through encountering the Person of our Messiah that transformation of the heart can take place.
Does this mean that obeying the sacred words of the Torah falls to the side? G-d forbid! On the contrary, as I choose to humble myself at the feet of the Master, then His Torah will be written in my heart. His ways will truly become my ways. No longer will doing the mitzvot be a chore, but instead they will truly be a delight.
He has called me to worship in Spirit and in Truth, and I am answering His call!
